Back from the Beauty Parlor

We're free!!! We're freeeeeee!!! And freedom tastes of reality!!!

Here I am, with Nala, outside of Snowball's Pet Salon, on Columbus Avenue. Note the smiles on our faces. You have never seen more joyous dogs in your life.

Main Master sneakily walked us to Snowball's this morning for our 9 a.m. torture grooming session. As we approached the store, I caught onto his devious plan and launched into an impassioned protest. It was Occupy Pet Salon time. I sat down. I growled. I looked surly. I lowered my ears and affected a pitiful look. Then I bared my teeth and looked fierce.

Hell no, I wouldn't go.

While I tried to communicate my plan to Nala, she didn't catch on, seduced as she was by the idea of a wash and blowout. "Omigod! I'm going to look so awesome afterwards!!!! And I'm going to smell good, too!!!! I love the doggie spa!"

"Hey," I tried to warn her. "They do terrible things to puppies in there! Don't be fooled. Grooming is for the owners, not the dogs! It's to make them look good! We always look good, even when we're matted!"

But Nala was too busy flirting with a passing crack addict and his Doberman.

Main Master lifted me up and carried me inside while Nala trotted in for her beauty appointment. I glared at her and hated all of humanity.

"Don't go!!!" I barked to Main Master, but he was gone in a flash.

Strapped to the horrible slab, browbeaten into submission, I overheard my groomer talking about us to another groomer.

"F@#$ that matted fur!" she said. "No f&(*ing way I'm gonna brush it through! F$%&ing incompetent pet owners!!"

And then she reached for the power tools.

Afterwards, we waited in humiliating cages while Main Master took his sweeeet time retrieving us.

"How do you like my new haircut?" asked Nala, preening. "Don't you think it makes my butt look smaller???"

Nala is beautiful but she is truly the fattest dog I have ever seen. Rather than insult her, I turned away and stared at the wall with glum silence.

Half an hour later, we were sprung from the prison that is a Pet Salon and now I'm lounging on the couch, drowning my sorrow in a cool bowl of NYC tap water. Yeah, my fur looks pretty great but what an ordeal!

Meanwhile, Nala is strutting in front of the mirror in Junior Mistress's room, checking out her new coif from all directions.

"Hey!" she keeps saying, to anyone who will listen. "I think this new hairstyle really does make my butt look smaller!"