Did I mention that last week, My Human Family removed me from the Urban Bungalow and deposited me -- together with the entire contents of Main Mistress's home office -- in a remote locale, guardian of an abode they call, nauseatingly enough, The Love Shack???
Yes. Me, the chronicler of Upper West Side life, a nature pup.
Stuck in The Love Shack, with controlled forays through this place they call Rosmarin's Cottages.
With only sporadic visits to the Urban Bungalow and my beloved Amsterdam Avenue.
And with the mystery of Ari the Hamster's disappearance still unsolved.
Or is it??
In any case, here's my new life from now until Labor Day:
6:00 am: Main Mistress wakes. Staggers to kitchen to boil water for her newest mishigoss -- Green Tea. I heard her tell someone she's "detoxing" from coffee. Good move, Main Mistress! You def had an addiction there. I was gonna call LiLo and ask if you could be roomies with her at rehab.
Watching Main Mistress drink two steaming cups of green tea with lime juice makes me want to die so I opt to go back to sleep, snuggled on her bed (Ha, ha...our little secret while Main Master is in Manhattan!) until...
8:00 am: Main Mistress has returned from Straub's Fitness all nice and sweaty. This I like! I rush over and lick her salty shins and her salty neck and her salty armpits and her salty....
8:15ish am -- Junior Master wakes up. He staggers to the bathroom. He emerges, announcing that he is starving. This reminds me. I'm starving, too!!! I run to my food bowl in a burst of optimistic magical thinking, hoping I will see a huge rack of lamb instead of the dry and pathetic Iams nuggets that await me.
O joy.
8:20 am: Main Mistress takes me out for a pee 'n poop on the grass. I try to poop on our Russian neighbor's lawn, but Main Mistress drags me away and I am forced to poop in the back of the bungalow.
Spoil sport!!!
8:30 am: Junior Master eats and I pathetically whine until he throws me stuff. Still, it is hardly enough so I relent and munch on Iams. Blecchhhh! Then I wait expectantly until my humans get their act together and leave for day camp.
9:30 am: Drop-off at Rosmarins Day Camp. Humans! Lots of 'em! And little humans!!! They pet me! They love me! I lick them! I love them!!!
9:45-11:45 am: A nice snooze under the Master Human bed.
11:45 am: Suddenly, an urge overtakes me. Main Mistress is staring into the computer in her bedroom. She's been blabbing on the phone for hours. What a life! Get outside, lady! I decide to set an example. I run to the front of the bungalow, madly barking. Main Mistress talks to me in that gooey baby voice and lets me out. I AM FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I run like a torpedo. I pee like a waterfall. I bark like a lunatic. I terrorize the Russian old women. I delight the young children. I annoy the heck out of the sourpuss lady in Bungalow X.
12:15 pm: I find a cozy spot under a shady tree to rest from my exertions. Main Mistress is blabbing again. I notice she changed into a bikini. Oo-la-la!!!!! She has a bedsheet in her hands, a water bottle and her Blackberry. She is coming to join me! But in the sun!!!! Go, Main Mistress!!!!!
12:18 pm: What a saint! She has brought me, her puppy, a bowl of water, which I desperately needed. And she is set up in the sun, with her notebook, phone and Blackberry. She lies in the sun, answering e-mails.
THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON: I sleep, I drink water, I munch on Iams, I run inside, I run outside, I chase a woodchuck, I bark at a squirrel, I read the New York Times (just kidding. Wanted to see if you were paying attention!!!), I sleep, I await the return of Junior Master.
4:45 pm: Junior Master is HOME!!! Joy!!! I run to lick his sticky calves as he walks through the bungalow door with arts and crafts projects, notes from camp and other stuff. He dumps his stuff, kisses Main Mistress, pets me and speaks in a squeaky voice and....is off to the pool????? Hey, what about me???????????
5:25 pm: Junior Master is BACK!!! He changes out of his bathing suit. He puts on a white outfit. It looks like PJs. Yay! HE is going to sleep early! We can snuggle!!!!!!!!!! But......NO!!! He is leaving, AGAIN, with Main Mistress????? What???? Tae Kwon Do????????
7:00 pm: Junior Master is HOME!!!!! I bark like a lunatic to greet him, but he mistakes my message and opens the door for me to run out. I cannot resist. I run like a torpedo. I pee like a waterfall. I bark like a lunatic. I terrorize the Russian old women. I delight the young children. I annoy the heck out of the sourpuss lady in Bungalow X.
7:30 pm: More humans! Of the little boy persuasion! Descending on the bungalow to see me!!!! I am greeted with fluffs on my back. I settle in at their feet and await their attentions. But no. It is not to be. They have come to read anime and watch Youtube on Junior Master's Mac.
8:00 pm: Dinner!!! I beg for scraps -- rather vocally -- and hear "shut up, Alfie!" more times than I would like. Still, they throw me food. Snap!!!
8:30 pm : One of the boys is conned into taking me out for a walk on a leash. Sigh. Okay. I pee on a nearby tree and sniff the forest for adventure.
8:45 pm: Main Mistress turns to her computer again. Her fingers start clacking the keyboard like mad. Hey, GET A LIFE! Read a book! Read the paper. Meanwhile, she doesn't notice that Junior Master and his friend are watching naughty Youtube videos.
10:00 pm: Main Mistress gives Junior Master the "five minute warning" for bedtime.
10:45 pm: Yeah. That was five minutes. Junior Master grudgingly brushes his teeth. I jump on his bed and snuggle in, cozily.
10:50 pm: Sh'ma. Sigh. I LOVE this time of day!
10:55 pm: Lights out in the kitchen. Main Mistress goes to read the blogs and websites. I fall asleep to the sound of her clacking fingers. Junior Master falls instantly asleep.
3:00 am: I switch beds because Junior Master is tossing. Main Mistress sleeps like a log. She is probably e-mailing in her sleep. I snuggle in next to her chin. She breathes deeply. I close my eyes.
This is heaven.
Sighs and whispers,
Alfie the Pomeranian
